How to be yourself in a world of ‘normal’
Learn how to finally embrace yourself and be proud of who you are. Even if it's 'weird'
All the normal people, where do they all come from? Let’s get into the topic of something as ‘normal’ as good old mediocre normality and how to be yourself. Being yourself is challenging, especially in a world where people want to determine who you should be according to their ‘normal’. Let’s learn how to be ourselves without caring about the opinion of others.
Imagine a place full of people doing the same things. Hundreds of humans, perfectly in line. They eat, work, live and enjoy life. All of them repeating the same movements as if they’re part of a choreographed dance, a dance called ‘an average day in the life of…’.
And then there is you at the end of that same line.
You seem out of place.
You dress the same as everyone else but for some reason the clothes don’t look right on you. Like that time when you were a kid and you snuck into your mom’s closet to try on her dresses and shoes. You copy the movements from the person on your left but you fumble through the actions. You’re struggling to keep up, juggling work and relationships while blaming yourself for making this so hard. Everyone else seems to be doing it, why can’t you just be normal?
If you’re like me, then you have probably wondered time and time again when you would actually become normal. You live your life, work hard to make everything align the ‘right’ way, and then you still feel like ‘normal’ just wasn’t meant for you.
You have the feeling of being out of place. Meanwhile you wonder whether being ‘out of place’ means that there is a place other than this one. One where you would actually feel ‘in place’.
If this sounds familiar then know this: it’s not you.
Short summary for quick readers
- 'Be normal' is the opposite of 'be yourself'. That is why the word 'normal' is limiting you in the expression of your identity.
- Assuming that because something is normal to you, it automatically means it's normal to someone else, is limiting your experience of the world.
- We were all raised to be 'normal'; to not be loud and rowdy and not be 'different'. Normal becomes a straightjacket that we're stuck in.
- Our idea of what is normal comes from the people around us that make sure we step in line. Normal is a tradition; passed on through generations.
- The way to break your 'normal' conditioning, is to make choices that are not normal. Do whatever it is you've been dreading. And take small steps to get there: start with socks if you want to change your wardrobe.
- Be aware of the things that you judge other people for. Usually they tell you a lot about yourself and where you want to be: judgement usually stems from jealousy.
- Figure out what beliefs you were raised with that still shape your idea of 'normal'. Challenge the beliefs that don't serve you anymore.
- Being yourself is just as hard – if not harder – than not being yourself. But it will eventually bring you more happiness and (most importantly) autonomy and authenticity.
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‘Be normal’ is the opposite of ‘be yourself’
Your struggles and inability to keep up are caused by the exact same status quo that you’re trying so hard to achieve. This is about the concept of ‘normal’ and how we casually throw it around like it is not in fact a straightjacket forcing us all into a neatly wrapped package of normality.
‘Normal’ latches onto the words of the sentences you use to talk to other people. It colors the exchange with the underlying message of ‘this is how things should be’. It seeps through the cracks of the conversations you have with yourself. And it influences your ability to be yourself.
Using the word ‘normal’ in our everyday interactions can make a seemingly innocent discussion about something as trivial as, for example eggs, go south pretty quickly. Like the time my coworker told me they liked their eggs boiled the ‘normal’ way. The normal way for them being hard-boiled, while normal to me meant a semi soft-boiled egg.
Just like that we created a real life miscommunication about eggs. Not the end of the world, I know. But it’s a metaphor. So let’s just roll with it.
What does ‘normal’ mean?
Assuming that because one thing is normal to you, it automatically means it is also normal to someone else, provides for tricky situations in which you can end up with small miscommunications. Or in the worst case, you end up ‘othering’ a person to the point where they don’t even want to tell you about their egg preferences anymore. By my coworker telling me that they think ‘normal’ eggs are hard-boiled, me and my soft-boiled eggs might’ve felt abnormal. It might have made us feel insecure about our gooey insides and whether it was actually OK to get a little salt on that squishy softness and spoon it all up.
Alright, enough about eggs.
Using the word ‘normal’ takes the richness out of our conversations. We talk about ‘acting normal’, just eating some ‘normal food’, ‘why can’t you just be normal?’. Imagine all the great things you are missing out on. Just because you can only think about what is normal to you. Things that are not ‘normal’ pull us out of our comfort zone. Now, just to be completely honest, taking a step out of your comfort zone is not a 100% guarantee for a good time. But staying in your ‘normal’ zone will only get you the same results. Actually showing some interest in the things you deem ‘abnormal’ can give you some really great new life experiences or relationships.
Not only are you depriving yourself of the richness of others, you are also depriving yourself of the richness of your own possibilities. You are depriving yourself of the ability to be yourself.
‘When I grow up, I want to be normal’
I was raised to be ‘normal’. Being normal was my mothers go to instruction when we were out and about. We weren’t supposed to be loud and rowdy (mind you, she was talking to four children). And so we stayed in our lanes. Mostly.
I have tried to be ‘normal’ for so long. Or at least the type of normal that I was told was considered ‘normal’. I judged others for not being ‘normal’ while being jealous of them because it looked way more fun to not be normal. By listening to normal and surrounding myself with it, I set myself up for a life that was structured, calm, the same old, same old. Not creating too many ripples while all I wanted to do was produce some ripples. No waves – let’s not get too crazy – just some gosh darn ripples.
It took me so long to break free from ‘normal’ and I am still not there yet. Normal is a cage we build to live in, with bars made out of the words we use to talk to ourselves everyday. My cage says that my outfit is too loud and that I should just get a regular job. The cage tells me that my sexuality should be normal (heteronormativity is everywhere!). That ‘boys will be boys’ so I might as well marry him.
The people around you create the narrative
Normal comes from everyone around us telling us what normal looks like until we can repeat the words in our heads flawlessly. It comes from the values that our parents and other grown-ups in our environments impose on us. Usually under the notion that it is the ‘right’ thing to do or that it is how ‘things are done’. As humans who are part of our own societies, we wrote a recipe of what it entails to be a person in said community and there is little room for our own additions to the list of ingredients. The ingredients needed for you to be yourself.
Interestingly enough, usually the people desperately grasping the straws of ‘normal’, pressuring you to help hold tight, most likely have some ‘abnormalities’ that they try to disguise under thick blankets of normality. Forcing themselves to sleep without dreaming.
And the biggest revelation of all? What you were raised to believe is ‘normal’, other people might not consider normal at all. Normal is a tradition, a family heirloom passed on through generations. This means that normal is not something set in stone. Which makes it so that we can teach ourselves and the people around us that our ‘normal’ looks different. That we don’t measure our own lives or that of others according to the ruler of the ‘average’.
But how do we ‘beat’ the normal?
Make ‘normal’ the abnormal: be yourself
When I realized how stuck I was in patterns of judging others and judging myself, the first thing I did was dye my hair and get a piercing. While these things might seem very small, to someone who learned that piercings and tattoos were the worst thing you could do to your body, this was a big deal. When I showed my mom, she just told me what a waste it was. Not a waste of money, a waste of my body. It made me feel like I had ruined a beautiful painting she created by hammering a nail right through it. But it also made me feel in control of my own life for once. I was slowly taking out the bars of the cage carefully crafted around me.
It created an opening.
That is exactly how we defeat the beast called ‘normal’ and break free from the grip it has on us. We make the decision to be ‘abnormal’. That is how you learn to be yourself.
#1: Just do it!
Now I’m not saying you should just do the opposite of whatever it is you have been doing. Doing stuff for the sake of doing stuff won’t help you get closer to the more authentic version of you. It won’t get you closer to your own personal normal. You would want to make an effort to think about the things you would want to do but have never done because they’d be too ‘weird’ or ‘abnormal’.
Maybe you have always wanted to be a dancer, paint, go on a date with another woman, wear outfits with a magnificent amount of sequins, etc. Write these things down. Think about all the things you would want to try and do if the opinions of others wouldn’t matter to you at all. And then pick one. Just work your way down that list, start with an easy one first.
If you think the easy one is still a step too far; break it down into smaller steps. You want to wear more colorful clothing? Start with some crazy socks!
When I wanted to stop shaving all the hair off my body, I started with my legs in winter. Because in winter, your legs will be covered basically all the time. The only visible thing was my ankles and that already terrified me. Now I haven’t shaved my legs in years and I recently stopped doing my armpits too.
Remember: we take small steps to get to where we are going. And you take small steps to finally be yourself.
If you have a hard time figuring out what you want to do and where you want to go, you can find some inspiration in this blog post that focuses on getting to know your unique self.
#2: Why so judgemental?
Take a look at the things that you judge yourself or other people by. Write those down too. When was the last time you felt jealous and what were you jealous of? Or maybe it wasn’t a clear feeling of jealousy, maybe it was annoyance or anger. The feeling that you instantly dislike someone without knowing anything about them but they just ‘rub you the wrong way’. By identifying what the bars of your cage are made of, you can look for the desire that might be hiding underneath it all.
I have a problem with confident people. People that walk into the room with an ‘I don’t care what you think of me’-attitude. They’re there and sometimes they’re loud and everybody is usually drawn to them. Now aside from the fact that we’ll never know if these people are actually confident or overcompensating for some insecurity, I hate that I can not just adapt the ‘I don’t give a fuck’-attitude.
The same issue arose when I saw people of all shapes wear whatever they wanted to wear. Whenever I saw a fat person wear a crop top or tight clothing, I would judge them harshly only to learn that my feelings towards them were actually feelings I was experiencing towards myself. By being aware of this judgment and the underlying feeling of desire that accompanies it, you can finally figure out what it is you have been wanting to do but never felt comfortable enough to do. You can figure out what you need in order te be closer to yourself. Just like I now know that my judgment was about me wishing I had the confidence to wear clothes I want to wear while my belly bulges through the opening between my shirt and jeans.
#3: Away with those ancient beliefs
Take a look at the roots of the normality you grew up with and look at all the things you were shamed or judged for by parents, teachers, other kids, etc. Again: write it down. Take a look at the beliefs you picked up along the way. Your parents or other adults in your life might have talked about neighbors, friends, siblings in a certain way. You picked up on that and with that most likely changed your behavior and desires accordingly.
My family is a family of opinions. This makes my family a group of very strong and strong willed people, but it also made it clear that there was a ‘right’ and a ‘wrong’ way to live your life. We would not keep quiet when we saw something that we did not like. My dad especially was a very outspoken person, judging people loudly while we were all eating dinner together.
My beliefs
I learned that education was very important but I should not stay in school for too long. Psychologists were not to be trusted, so I should stay away from them. After learning a ‘real’ profession, I should get a proper job and stick with it. The other steps were marriage (to a man, because they would still love me if I turned out to be gay but they would not like it), a house and eventually kids.
These are only a fraction of the beliefs that I grew up with. And this is only a selection of the ones that I learned from my immediate family. Think about all the things you have heard from the adults around you while you were growing up. Maybe it was your teacher telling you that girls are supposed to be ‘nice’ which made you always take a back seat in class. Maybe your friend told you that ‘real men’ don’t dance. Or maybe the fact that everything around you is gendered makes you think that you should conform to this same gender binary.
If you have a hard time figuring out the beliefs you grew up around, try looking at the current beliefs you have. Those came from somewhere and their seed was most likely planted during your childhood. If you think that people should not wear skirts that go above the knee, then you probably learned that little restricting belief somewhere along the way. Write it down and trace it back to its source.
Surprise: It’s just as hard to be yourself
The three steps mentioned above are not part of a magic recipe that will automatically pull you out of your comfort zone. You are still the one who has to do the pulling. And taking the leap of actually doing the things you have been wanting to do is the hardest part. It takes a lot of courage to defy everything you have known to be the ‘truth’ for all these years. But it is totally worth it. ‘Cause even though being ‘abnormal’ might even be harder than the life you lived before, imagine what it would feel like to actually be yourself without wondering whether you’re ‘being you’ the ‘right’ way. I know you’ll get there eventually, because I am doing it too.
Slow but steady.
These days I actually wear crop tops without shaving my armpits and I try to walk into a room without caring what people think of me. I tell them that I work in customer service and that no, it does not really pay the bills but this is my life right now because I am studying to be a psychologist. It still is SO HARD at times but at least I know that I am deciding what is ‘normal’ for me and I won’t let others decide for me anymore.
And that is the key right there.
This is not about the people around you. It is about you reclaiming whatever identity they stole from you when you were just a little kid limitlessly dreaming of all the things you wanted to do and were going to do.
So do them.
Make your past ‘you’ proud and defy the boundaries of your own normal until your old ‘normal’ is nothing more than a faint memory.
A memory of a life of mediocre normality.
