The key to happiness: defy unrealistic gender expectations
The actual secret to happiness for men and women? It might be easier than you think.
Even though gender is a social construct and shouldn’t be this important, we’re still all raised in a heavily gendered world. And that means that gender shapes our very existence. One of the ways gender influences our happiness is through the messaging around relationships and the gender expectations that come with that. And I would argue that gender roles actually destroy our happiness through those expectations.
From the moment we’re born until the moment we finally feel fed up enough with the unrealistic beauty standards to stop caring about them, women learn that one of our most important assets is our appearance.
Ask a woman when the first time was that she learned – usually from her mother – that our bodies are something we have to put under a microscope every day before leaving the house. The reply will probably be before her eighteenth birthday. Hating ourselves is such an integral part of our existence that we will chat about it over lunch breaks. While feeling guilty for nourishing our bodies.
It is a harsh reality we live in but capitalism relies on the lie that the patriarchy tells us: that we always have to keep chasing beauty.
And that lie relies on the premise that we will never actually be enough. Because a woman who loves herself unconditionally is a woman who stops using her money to purchase acceptance. Women are raised with a lack of self-worth. And the very system we live in relies on that low self-esteem to make it so we’ll always keep chasing the expectations of others.
The motivation for this? To finally find a man to love us––something we are taught to strive for. Women are taught through media and the people around them that the one goal in their life is a husband and children. So, we chase beauty in order to be desirable by a man who can give us purpose: being a wife and mother.
Short summary for quick readers
- Both women and men are raised with gender expectations. Especially when it comes to relationships. And men and women have unrealistic expectations of each other.
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- For men, the goal is to find a relationships with a beautiful woman and to provide. But in order for men to fullfill their goal, they need women to want to be in relationships with them. And for women the goal is to be a wife and mother; to nurture and care. And she has to be beautiful in order to get that.
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- It is ingrained in all people that the self worth of men relies on the lack of self worth of women: when women gain confidence and don't accept the bare minimum, they stop dating men. This is what is currently happening in our society and results in the loneliness 'epidemic'.
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- That is why we need to find out who we are outside of who we are to each other. Men need to learn they are worthy outside of providing. That would probably solve the current 'male loneliness epidemic'.
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- Men are now dating whomever they can just to make sure they don't end up alone. That means men are in relationships with people they don't even like cause they don't have the 'luxury to be picky'.
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- But this harms women AND men. Because, eventually, she might realize that she is better off alone than with a man who hates her. And men would be way happier if they only dated women they liked.
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- The kindest thing you can do for yourself is to find worth outside of strict gender roles. If you find a person who will love you for who you are, you will never want to date someone who you don't even like ever again.
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More unrealistic gender expectations
But we aren’t the only people in this system who are faced with unrealistic expectations. Because men are also raised with strict gender-roles that dictate what it means to be a “real man”. And with that, how to truly be ‘happy’ as a man.
A lot of men learn that they need to be providers in order to be worth something. And that means that they need a wife, kids and a beautiful picket-fence home. They have to work for that future. And they have to have a job that makes enough money to make that dream a reality. That they have to be the embodiment of ‘manhood’ in order to attract a ‘mate’. And a lot of this relies on pushing down the very things that make us human. Like emotions, passion, silliness and awe.
But they also learn that women are supposed to be beautiful. A woman to them is a beautiful ornament, placed on a pedestal. Something that only adds to that perfect image they’ve had in their heads. The status and influence they were promised when they finally got what they wanted: that family and a legacy through their children. And the woman? She gets the world and in return she doesn’t have to do much more than remain beautiful.
And every woman knows that that’s a very simple task (sarcasm).
The fallacy of unrealistic gender expectations
In theory, there is nothing wrong with women who would like to live such a life. The only problem is that this fantasy is built on a Jenga-tower reliant on itself to stay erect.
And that means that it will fall down as soon as one of the two decides not to hold up their end of the bargain.
In our society, it is ingrained in all people that the self worth of men relies on the lack of self worth of women: she has to feel like she needs a man in order to be ‘whole’ so he can marry her in order to feel ‘whole’ himself. It is what capitalism and the patriarchy depend on to stay functional.
Women become so desperate for a husband, they’ll basically pick anyone while ignoring every red flag he waves in front of her face. When men are so desperate to find someone, they’ll take whomever is willing to say ‘yes’.
And it is not like these men don’t respect the women they’re with. But the respect that he learns to have for her is conditional.
And when a relationship is conditional and transactional, it’ll inevitably break down. Especially since women’s beauty is intrinsically linked to our youth. If the woman gets old, changes or – god forbid – becomes fat? Then she hasn’t stuck to her end of the deal.
And I have heard plenty of men say that if a woman doesn’t give him what he’s owed (whether that is sex, beauty or care), he is allowed to stop ‘providing’.
And that’s when the collapse inevitably comes.
Why we need to be alone
That means that we as people all share a common goal when it comes to happiness. If ones happiness relies on the misery of someone else, we need to find out who we are outside of what we are to each other.
If men know they’re worthy outside of “providing” (in every sense of the word) it wouldn’t matter that women know they are enough without the validation of others. If men learn that life is about more than just having a wife, it wouldn’t matter that women don’t need a romantic relationship in order to make their lives more beautiful.
And vice versa.
Because one wouldn’t mean the collapse of the other.
When we look at the current shift taking place in our society, I would say there is a collapse happening right now. The often mentioned ‘male loneliness epidemic’ is the manifestation of that disintegration. While women increasingly stop relying on men (due to equality), traditional man roles start disappearing and shifting.
Meanwhile, men don’t know where to find their own sense of self. If they’re not a patriarchal figure in their family, church or the workplace, then who are they?
Women increasingly start relying on themselves to fulfill the ‘traditional male’ roles in their lives. Because there’s nothing a little YouTube can’t teach you. So women find less and less need to add a man to their rich and peaceful lives. We’ve always been creatures of community and we are used to finding love, connection and happiness in our friend (groups) or family.
That means women are actively working towards looking for – and finding – value outside of their romantic relationships. But I’m not so sure if men are doing the same.
And a recent interaction on social media, tells me I might be right.
The harm of these relationships
The other day, a man on Threads (come find me there!) said that men didn’t have the luxury of choosing a partner they like. I remember from my time on the apps, that other men would tell me the same. But I always assumed it meant that men would just be forced to be alone.
Because, according to them, women “dominate the game”.
Which means that women decide whether or not these men end up with a partner, simply by either going out with them or not going out with them. The new perspective this man provided me with, however, was worded in a way that suggested that men actually will just pick whoever wants them.
Because their main goal in life is to find a romantic partner. And that is where they find their value as people.
The consequence of this?
A lot of men end up in relationships with people they don’t actually like. This perfectly illustrates the Jenga-tower of reliance I mentioned above. If men believe that their main goal is to find a wife that they can provide for and receive the love from that they’ve been craving, then she needs to be content with being with a person who doesn’t actually like her.
Because he needs her to fulfill his purpose. No matter who she is.
And only women who devalue or practically hate themselves, would stay in a relationship like that. Desperately hoping that he will give her some sort of validation, eventually.
Everybody hurts from gender expectations
So, how does this set-up hurt men? Cause so far it seems like they’re getting exactly what they want while the women they partner up with, under false pretenses, suffer.
But relying on the self-hatred of a group of people who are known for finding community and sharing ideas or “gossiping”, is a faulty tactic. Because the chances of her realizing that she might be better off without a partner who does nothing but bring her down, are too high to risk it.
And then I haven’t even mentioned the moral implications. Or the lack of empathy involved in basing your whole life off of someone else’s lack of self worth. Which in itself should be motivation enough to not do it.
If men truly knew how it felt to be loved by someone whose company they enjoy, they would never go back to dating women just for the hell of it. A lot of men complain about how their wives are ‘nagging’ and ‘always on their case’. They make it seem like spending time with the partner they chose is a chore in itself. Which it probably is cause they lied their way into the relationship, pretending to be something they’re not.
As long as men are looking for whoever to feel like they’re worth something, no one involved will truly be happy.
Defy unrealistic gender expectations
That is why I would argue that the kindest thing you can do for yourself, is to find worth outside of things like ‘providing’ and ‘appearance’ or ‘nurturing’.
All people should be focusing on finding hobbies, searching for purpose and meaning inside of themselves.
Go travel the world, find a community and build meaningful friendships with others. Get a pet to love you unconditionally and find joy in being alone.
One of the main reasons why men have a hard time dealing with their version of the loneliness epidemic, is because they never learned to be without a romantic partner. Neither did women, but we decided to take our losses in romance and become comfortable alone.
Because men are never encouraged to show emotions and share them with their friends. They’re never encouraged to be full human beings outside of what they can be for a partner.
When they’re old enough to have one, the search for a ‘mate’ starts. And they won’t stop until they’re married and settled down. But is that really what life is about? Chasing romantic love to find it with whoever – even if it means you both’ll be miserable?
Create your own expectations
You don’t need a woman you don’t like if you love yourself enough to find one that you do.
Even if this means you won’t be able to ‘provide’ for the first few decades of your life. You also don’t have to be OK with a relationship based on resentment when you love yourself enough to know that nurturing yourself is plenty.
And this doesn’t mean that women shouldn’t spend time on their appearance if they want to. If a woman enjoys decorating herself so she feels like her outside matches her inside, there isn’t anything ‘non-feminist’ about that. Just like a man wanting to work while his wife stays home isn’t a non-feminist thing to do.
The actual unfeminist thing is to expect someone else to be the missing piece to your puzzle. To rely on a man to provide you with self-worth. Or to rely on a woman to provide you with a sense of purpose. Because both will put you in a vulnerable position where you’re always living your own life for someone else. Basically waiting for the whole thing to come crashing down. Or for someone to take advantage of you.
And that can never be what life is about.
It has to be about joy. About happiness. And about connection with the people around you. The people that you actually like to spend time with. Love doesn’t come from conforming to unrealistic gender expectations. It can come from anywhere else.
But, most importantly, it also has to come from within.
