How to set clear boundaries and keep them there, unwavering
Boundaries are self-care but we can never seem to keep them
Do you know how to set boundaries? And more importantly: do you know how to stick to them? In this blog we’re going to explore how to set a boundary and how to keep it there. Because to me, setting a boundary and sticking with it, is one of the most important, authentic and kind things you could do for yourself.
I used to be a pushover. Still am sometimes. Boundaries are something for the bold and courageous, for those of us who don’t care what others think of them.
And I care very much what others think of me.
On a rough day it’s all I think about.
But in order to achieve whatever we want in life, all the things we set our minds to, we need to set boundaries. Because how are you going to achieve all you want to when you can never say ‘no’ to anyone?
You’ll be the steps of the stairways to other people’s dreams.
When all we do is set up flimsy walls of clouds to protect ourselves from the storm of demands of others, there is no way we will be able to get anything done. Because they’ll always be there, demanding more and more while we keep giving them exactly that. You offered one finger, they took the whole hand without you ever telling them that you might still have need of it.
And now you sit there, handless, wondering how you are going to put your shoes on while they get ready to take the other hand too.
And you know you will let them if they try.
Because you are too scared of what they will think of you if you would tell them the one word that could put an end to all this; ‘no’.
Short summary for quick readers
- Very few people are crossing your boundaries on purpose. Most people are so consumed by their own needs and hurt, they disregards the needs of others.
- Confidence is important while setting a boundary. You have to trust that you know what is right for you. They can't tell you what you should be doing. Only you can.
- A boundary doesn't always take the shape of a 'no'. It can look different and it can be for someone else or for you.
- First you need to define your relationships: what do you want them to look like and what should change in that?
- Figure out why you want to set this boundary. That'll help you stay motivated to enforce them.
- A boundary is another example of a habit: you create certain actions to make sure you reach a goal (maintaining the boundary).
- Communication is important, especially with people who are skilled in crossing boundaries. Be clear in the language you use so there'll be no doubt about what you want. But don't frame it as a punishment for the other.
- Creating scripts in your head of the conversations can help enforce the boundary. And keep enforcing it. Giving in can create the idea that your boundary isn't actually important.
- Remember that boundaries are for you, not their feelings. If they get angry, they weren't safe to begin with.
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Well, no more!
Don’t fret, my friend. We are going to learn how to say that word today. Let’s learn how to set a boundary, how to say ‘no’ to the people around us; friend or foe, but also learn how to keep that boundary. Let’s learn how to stand our ground while they push the walls we raised to keep them out. To be indifferent to all the strategies they use and to make sure we don’t break at the slightest hint of ‘dislike’ they feel for us.
You are the creator of confines, the keeper of the castle of boundaries and after today, saying ‘no’ will be just as easy as saying ‘yes’ has ever been.
It is not deliberate
I know I make it seem like ‘they’ are evil and that they’ll ‘use’ you for whatever they want without regard for your wishes and your physical or mental health.
Of course it’s not that cruel.
People have a lot of reasons for doing things but luckily only a very small number of people do things with evil intentions. Very few are actually trying to manipulate and use you, although those people definitely exist. But right now, I am going to assume you are only surrounded by people who have been hurt in some way themselves. People who disregard the needs of others because they are blinded by their own. People who are unaware of the hurt they inflict on others while waving the banner of ‘aide’.
They know what is best for you, they want to save the world, they’re doing something important that needs attending to right now. And if you don’t contribute, you might just be made out to be self-centered.
Now, who wants to be called that?
The helpers don’t set boundaries
Another type of person who can not handle clear boundaries is someone who does not know how to set a boundary themselves. They’re the helpers, always ready to lend a hand – or two – when needed.
They want to be valued and so they do everything they can to make themselves valuable.
And after all that, they are surprised – hurt even – to see other people not doing the same for them. It might be that they feel entitled because to them, helping means you owe them something now. Even if you never knew there was a price to pay. Or maybe deep down they feel jealous of other people’s ability to set a boundary and so they lash out, unconsciously wishing they could do the same.
People are complex.
That’s an important thing to remember while setting your boundaries. By recognizing the hurt in others, it might be easier to stand your ground while they rage. Because you know that their anger has nothing to do with you. It is not deliberate.
Trust yourself to set boundaries
Setting boundaries is a lot of mental work. So don’t expect these steps to do the work for you. They will give you some tools on how to figure out what boundaries you should set, define those boundaries and communicate them to the people around you. You have to do the work of keeping it in place. No matter what happens.
This all comes down to self-esteem again; when you feel insecure about yourself you will have a hard time believing that you are making the right decisions for yourself. You will have a hard time believing that you know what is right for you. And so you will have a hard time first setting and then holding the boundary. Because maybe they’re right about what you should and shouldn’t do…
No.
Only you know what is best for you. Even if you feel like you keep on making the wrong choices, you need to find your inner voice. The one that gives you that familiar feeling in your gut. That feeling of ‘something is wrong’ or ‘this is what I should be doing’. And if you end up making mistakes, it will be because you decided to make them. Not because someone else told you to do something or kept you from doing it.
Self-esteem
If you can not trust yourself, then that is something you might want to work on while learning how to set boundaries. In this blog post I give you the tools to set the boundary. You’ll learn to find the areas in your life that need clearer boundaries and you’ll learn how to define them and to clearly communicate them. By practicing these skills you can learn how to set a boundary more easily; you can incorporate it in your day to day activities. But while you practice the skills, you need to be working on how to really trust yourself.
To know with all of your heart that you are the only person to decide what you need. To feel that whatever you decide to do – or not do – is what is best for you. That is what makes a boundary stay in place, unwavering.
Now: on to set boundaries!
A boundary is more than just saying ‘no’. It can take many shapes or forms and almost never looks as simple as those two letters indicating rejection. A boundary is also not always a restriction of the other, it might also be a restriction of yourself in some way. It can be deciding to go home instead of staying at a party, it can be telling your manager that you can’t do the extra assignment or it can be telling your kids that you are having an hour of ‘me-time’ and they should not disturb you now.
A boundary can look different every time you set it, but the foundation and the structure will remain the same. So let’s get into it!
Define your relationships
First we need to figure out what kind of boundaries you actually need in your life. You might already have some ideas about boundaries that you would like to set but there could also be less ‘loud’ cries for boundaries. That is why we are going to look at all the relationships in your life and figure out what you would want that relationship to look like. This might become more clear when I give you an example.
When I look at my relationship with my partner, I feel like I need to be better at setting a boundary for myself in terms of how much I ask of my partner. He always says he doesn’t mind, so it is not a boundary of his that I need to respect. It is also not a boundary of mine to stop him from doing something. This is the kind of boundary I set for myself because I know myself. And I know what is the ‘right’ kind of behavior for me and when it becomes toxic.
See what I mean about different kinds of boundaries?
Also pay attention to the fact that I set the boundary completely based on what I know is right for me. Not what my partner wants. If I asked him he would say that he didn’t mind me hanging out with him all the time and being up in his business. But I know there is a difference between me being genuinely interested and me desperately looking for attention to feel better about myself.
Your turn
So look at all the people in your life, the people you interact with and the relationships you think need to change, and then figure out if a boundary is needed.
Look at your family members (mandatory birthday celebrations, anyone?), colleagues, friends, your neighbor, the check-out person at the grocery store. Maybe you want to set a boundary for a certain situation instead of a particular person. Like the way you respond to strangers or men cat-calling you. Define all of these relationships and interactions and write them down. You can add more to the list, it can be an ongoing thing. Just make sure that you write down at least one right now.
TO SET CLEAR BOUNDARIES: LOOK FOR THE ‘WHY’
Now we are going to get clear about why you need the boundary. Knowing the ‘why’ of the boundary makes it easier to stick to it. Because if you know why you do something, you have an easier time doing it.
Makes sense right?
So if you picked, for example; a work relationship to set boundaries for, you could say that you want to do that because work has been taking up all your time and you barely have time to spend with friends or family anymore.
That is your motivation.
It is what you need to keep in mind whenever someone tries to cross that boundary and that is what is going to make sure that you keep the boundary. We’re talking about intrinsic motivation here; you need a reason that comes from within to make sure you feel motivated enough to stick to it.
Make sure that the ‘why’ of the boundary is something you want for yourself. If it is something other people want you to do, you will not fully support it and as soon as a challenge comes along you will knock that wall over yourself with a very dishonest ‘woops’.
Does this mean you should never listen to other people’s suggestions for boundaries? No, you should definitely take note. Especially if you want the important relationships in your life, the ones that are actually worth it, to last. But the ‘why’ of a boundary can be approached from different angles and there are different ways to set a boundary to match that same ‘why’.
You’d get the same results, you just use a different path to get there.
And sometimes the boundary is to silence all the people that think they know better; you have to hear them but you don’t have to listen.
A boundary is a habit
In this blog I talked about goal setting and believe it or not, knowing how to set a goal is actually very helpful when it comes to boundary setting. Because isn’t a boundary also a kind of goal? Something you would want to change and achieve in your life for one reason or another? So let’s treat it as such.
Getting back to the example concerning work, you could set the goal: Only spend time on work between 8 and 6. That is a very clear goal – or boundary – that will get you exactly what you want: no more work after 6 and with that more time to spend with your loved ones.
After deciding on the boundary, you need to set up a process. Just like with goal setting, you need to work on the habits that will get you where you want to go. The habits are what makes you stick to the boundary (If you want to read more about habits and how to stick to them, you can get into that right here).
You said no more work after 6. So what habits fit that boundary? Turning off your work phone at 6, closing your laptop and putting it away. Sending out an automatic reply telling others that you won’t email them back right now. Or the hardest one: ignoring a phone call or texting someone that you are not available at that moment.
After six o’clock you are holding that boundary and no one will cross it.
And you know the best thing about this? Eventually, when you stick to it, people will already know the boundary. You won’t even have to set it anymore. They will know, without your effort.
And they won’t ever cross it again.
Communication is key
Sometimes you find yourself in a situation in which you lower your guard for one second, just the blink of an eye, and suddenly you are knee-deep in the very thing you said you wouldn’t do.
Some people are very good at pushing buttons and working their magic to make you dance to their songs. Especially when you are not being crystal clear in your communication. They will find a loophole and they will stick their fingers in it to pry it open until the wall you put up has a human-sized crack in it.
Communicating the boundary is a big part of what will keep the boundaries you set in place.
Especially with people who are skilled in crossing boundaries in a ‘nice’ way.
It helps to think about the way you will communicate this boundary. Be clear in the language you use; no maybes, mights, shoulds or woulds. You don’t want to leave a gap for them to push their demands through.
You will build a wall of stone so sturdy that when they huff and puff, they will not blow that wall down.
Practice makes perfect
Practice the conversation beforehand. If you need to, you can ask a friend to take on the part of the ‘boundary receiver’ and give you a hard time on purpose. That is how you practice dealing with pushback, to prepare you for anything. Practicing a conversation in your head, thinking of the things someone might say or do, helps you think of a reaction. It helps you think of things to say to stand your ground.
Work the ‘why’ into the communication of the boundary. Of course you don’t owe anyone an explanation but sometimes empathy can help others respect the boundary you set. So tell them that you won’t be replying to texts after 6 pm because you will be spending some much needed time with your family.
Do make sure that your boundary is not communicated as if it were punishment for the people around you.
Your boundary is meant to be for you. It does not matter if the other people have zero regard for your personal time and space. The boundary is still for you, not for them. If they ever want to set boundaries for themselves – maybe concerning the fact that they don’t respect the boundaries of others – then you can kindly give them a nudge towards this blog.
But don’t make their growth into a project of yours.
If you were meant to raise them you would have been their mother.
Respect the boundaries you set
The difficult thing about a boundary is that you are usually dealing with other people. You need to tell people ‘no’ or you need to stop engaging with them. A goal is easier; usually you do that by yourself without anyone (except yourself) judging you too harshly if you don’t stick to it.
A boundary is tricky.
Because you are interacting with others, they will act in accordance with your actions. They will see you, hear you and form an opinion of you which then unconsciously will guide their behavior.
This means that when you fail to keep your boundary, when you do answer that phone call after 6 pm, they will know that the wall you put up is not that strong. Your boundary will be nothing more than a curtain that they can open whenever they want to, you will be waiting behind it to do their bidding without any objection. If this happens often enough, any boundary you set will lose its meaning.
You will be the pushover and they will treat you as such.
This is why it is important to stick to your boundaries from the get go. Of course you can slip up, of course it is hard to constantly put your foot down. But if your foot keeps slipping over and over again, they will know.
And they will keep pushing until both feet lose their footing and you fall down on your knees, ready to do as they please.
Stay strong
You might notice that setting a boundary is easier with some people than with others. You’re not imagining this. Some people are more adequate in dealing with clear boundaries.
One of the more interesting examples of this is when you set boundaries with young children. If you have kids, or even if you don’t, you might have noticed this too; kids seem to be predisposed to accept boundaries. They even seem to like them: boundaries make them feel safe. Yes, they might be upset with you at first. They might scream, cry, kick, throw the biggest tantrum in the universe. But the next day, or even an hour later, they will come find you and snuggle up while you read a book to them.
Setting boundaries with kids might feel easier because setting a boundary will not make them love you any less; the relationship will not change because of it.
With adults, you can never be too sure about that.
And that is what makes it hard to stick to your boundaries sometimes. We all want to keep our friends and have people ‘like’ us, even if it means sacrificing ourselves.
Keep in mind that you’re doing this for you. You are living your life for you and you need to make sure that the things you do are in line with what you believe and where you want to go. That means saying ‘no’ whenever it is needed.
They might kick, scream, cry, throw the biggest tantrum they can to try and make you do it anyway. But you will stand your ground, even if it means that you’ll lose that friendship.
You will keep course, believe in yourself and be bold and courageous.
From this day on, you will not be a pushover anymore.
