Boundaries for family: how to stay true to yourself
The hardest boundaries to set and keep, are with the people we love
One of the hardest boundaries to set is the one we should be setting for our family members. In this blog I shared some tips about setting boundaries in general. With friends, acquaintances, coworkers, the people you meet. But I did not pay any special attention to setting boundaries for your family. Maybe you didn’t think that there was any need to specifically mention these boundaries, but there is.
Family in itself is a ritual.
A tradition you participated in from the moment you were born. You were taught your role within the family and you have always acted accordingly. And so have the others around you.
Within a family there is a whole scale of habits – good and bad – that people perform without even thinking about it. You of course learned about the unlearning of bad habits in this blog, so you are working hard to break this cycle. But others in your family might not feel the urge to do so. Usually they’re so stuck in their ways, so used to the way things are, that they don’t see this as a problem.
They will even tell you that it’s all because they care. Because they worry about you.
Family is something we are born into and because of that, it is hard to see the things that are happening around you as ‘crossing a line’. You know it makes you feel a certain kind of way but you can not fully grasp the ‘abnormality’ of it all. Because in your family, putting each other down in the name of love is normal.
And so you perform your part while they perform theirs. Just like you’ve been taught to do since the day you were born.
Short summary for quick readers
- Boundaries are usually harder to set with family because harmful behavior is so ingrained in the family dynamic and called 'normal'.
- Setting new boundaries when you already have established a dynamic with people over the years takes more courage and determination.
- But a boundary doesn't just serve you; it can also serve the relationship you have with your family.
- If your family can't accept your boundaries and doesn't respect you setting them, then find a chosen family who does.
* Free wallpaper download * Free wallpaper download * Free wallpaper download
* Free wallpaper download * Free wallpaper download * Free wallpaper download
Mothers and their daughters
My mother used to comment on my weight all the time. Asking me if I should be eating this or that while saying that my ass had gotten too big. She was so concerned with my eating habits and my weight, it made me overeat, hate my body and secretly go on diets just to make the comments stop. I talk a little bit more about my struggles with my body in this blog post.
Whenever we talked about it, when I got annoyed with her, she’d tell me that she was just looking out for me. She did not want people to call me fat and so she wanted to make sure they had no reason to.
Funny thing is that the only person who has ever called me fat was my mom. I talk a little bit more about my struggles with my body in this blog post.
The habit of family
This was something she had been doing for so long, a little choreographed dance of back and forth we performed so often and for so many years. It was hard for her to see the damage it was doing and it was hard for me to imagine a life without her fat-shaming me. I don’t think I even thought of it as fat-shaming. Because this was just the way things were. It made me believe that this was the way things were supposed to be.
Now me and my mom figured it out together because I set clear boundaries. She can not comment on my weight or on my eating habits. And so she doesn’t. I don’t know if she ever still wants to but she knows my boundaries and we changed the choreography to match it.
These ‘habits’ that we fall into with our family members can look very different from family to family but I am fairly certain that we all have an example of someone crossing our boundaries in the name of family, and with that in the name of self-proclaimed love.
I would even go as far as to say that most families have some level of toxicity in them.
The sacred family
It is all because of what we think the word family means. Most people think that shared DNA means we owe each other something; unconditional love, sacrifice, our time, energy or space… Families are complicated because they consist of a whole bunch of different humans.
And the general rules never work for everyone.
The notion that everyone in a family is alike or is somehow similar is usually only accurate in small ways. Like the ways that are provided by genetics because we might share the same bone structure or hair color. But when it comes to our character, we could just as well share the same behavior patterns, ideas and convictions with our next-door neighbor.
And still families decide that everyone who is part of that tiny society should dress, eat, act and think the same way. Everybody born in the family learns the do’s and don’ts of that family. Everybody gets their assigned role of brother, mother; even uncles, cousins and grandparents.
Each of these roles comes with their own unique patterns of behavior. Every family has an idea of what a father should be like, what kids can or can not do. Whether cousins are close to each other, how uncles treat one another.
Families have their own rehearsed behavioral patterns that have existed for so long. They may have changed slightly in all those years but everyone born or brought into this intimate community immediately learns and adjusts.
And if you happen to color outside the lines, there are family members who will make sure you stay in your place.
Marching to the beat of the family anthem.
There are no universal family values
“Family values” seems like a broad term that can be explained a certain way. Like a concept that just provides one simple explanation.
If family values are such a universal notion, then why are all families different? Some families celebrate holidays together, others try to stay away from each other as much as possible. Some only send cards for birthdays while others all gather for every possible celebration.
Why do some families barely speak to each other? Why is it normal for parents to beat up their kids in some families but not in others?
“Family values” differ, they are different across the world, across the country, even across the street. Your neighborhood is made up of all these different families, all with different rules and ideas about what family means and what life is supposed to be about. So how can we claim that ‘Family’ and with that ‘Family values’, is this divine notion that we should respect and worship at all times?
The importance of family is preached more universally than any religion. And yet the concept of family is used as a justification of just as many acts of violence or micro-aggressions.
Is setting boundaries with family so much different?
It really is not.
It is just a lot harder than setting boundaries with co-workers, friends or partners. Because you have known your family your whole life. And things have never been different. So how could you expect to change something that has always been the same?
Someone once told me about the relationship they had with their parents. A relationship that was loving but very superficial. The coping mechanism they used when dealing with conflict within their family was one of avoidance and obedience.
Just smiling, nodding and going along with whatever their parents said to them just to get them to stop talking.
They hated it when their parents would talk about how they had to get their shit together. My friend did not like the way these conversations progressed but they were also not inclined to change the script. Just like they always did, they played their part and read their lines only to feel annoyed and drained at the end of the conversation.
The unimaginable boundaries for your family
Most people can not even imagine doing something differently. To change up the game and finally set a boundary sounds like some impossible and scary endeavor.
But the thing to remember is that you can always say ‘no’. All my friend would need to do is tell the parents that their conversations can not involve stern talking to’s. Setting the boundary to make sure that the conversations between them won’t be so frustrating and draining.
The best thing to do is to follow the pointers I mentioned in this blog; they definitely work just as well in this case.
You just need a lot more courage and determination to get through it.
And it is important to be aware of the construct of ‘family’ and how crippling it can be. That way you will notice how certain habits will be hard to break. Almost like you’re physically unable to stop doing something because it feels ‘wrong’ not to. You will recognize that family members might even respond more intensely to your boundaries, saying you’re insulting them in some way.
Keep going anyway.
This is about you.
Although, usually, the boundary does not only serve the person setting it. If there are clear boundaries between you and your family members, you might improve your relationship with them. They might know what topics to avoid, what to do and what to say and how to treat you with love, respect and acceptance. All of that can only result in a deeper relationship.
That is, if they are open to making the adjustments needed for you to feel loved and accepted.
When family boundaries don’t work
“Family is the most important thing in the world”, something that has been preached by people of all religions and walks of life.
But only if you do it right.
Because if you do not, you are either considered not ‘a real family’ by the outside, or you are completely cast aside and not worthy of even belonging to such an exclusive, loving group. You will either be forced to accommodate and adjust or you will no longer be considered a member of this like-minded bunch.
‘Not in this family’.
A sentence so familiar to many of us.
Well, if not in that family, then find a family in which you get to. If your family can not grasp the fact that every human is unique and different, then they do not truly understand what it means to be a family.
When they simply can not understand your views on life and does not fit your perspective, then why not surround yourself with a new family that does? If your family is toxic and abusive, you should not have to put up with it just because you have the same cheek bones. Claiming an abusive parent is ‘still your father’, is something that is said because people have a twisted view on what it means to be family.
Family should accept your boundaries
The concept of family should be open and flexible, ready to adjust to all the members in it whenever needed. Instead of a toxic clinging to each other, just holding on because fifty percent of our genetic makeup might match. Every human is unique, every human is worthy of being surrounded by people who support them and love them.
No matter what.
So if your family keeps crossing your boundaries and tries to squeeze you into a mold that will never fit you, then find yourself a new family.
Find a family where you get to be who you are at all times. A place where it is okay for you to be yourself without having to constantly set and defend boundaries. Find yourself a close group of friends that you consider siblings or create your own family with your partner, your kids or maybe your pets.
Family can be whatever you want it to be and it can really be a precious gift.
But only if you are the one drawing the lines of the boundaries you need in order to flourish.
