Women Don't Owe You Pretty: a really important feminist message

Women Don’t Owe You Pretty: a really important feminist message

Women don't owe anyone anything and this book serves as a good reminder

I dove into a book I have had on my shelf for a while but had not gotten around to yet. That is partially because of time management issues but also because I knew this one would be confrontational as hell. And it was. In “Women Don’t Owe You Pretty”, Florence Given lays down some very uncomfortable but necessary truths that we all should hear.

Personally I think this book should be read by all women, but it definitely wouldn’t hurt if people of all genders opened it and absorbed its message. Because most of the truth bombs dropped are applicable to everyone and anyone navigating life as a human being.

Just as Florence discusses in this book: this is the book I should have read when I was growing up. If anyone had told me about the things that are discussed in ‘Women Don’t Owe You Pretty’, my life might’ve looked entirely different. It might’ve saved me from a whole bunch of emotional hardship. It might have kept me out of some very dodgy situations with men.

Besides being super confronting at times, this book resonated with me on so many different levels. The first chapters of the book contain a fair warning: “Feminism will ruin your life but in the best way possible.” (Given, 2020).

Short summary for quick readers

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Illustration with a colorful background. In a cloud is written "It takes time to become your unique, weird, cringy and happy self".

Illustration of different shapes. On top of the shapes is written: "when it comes to perfection, you set your own standard".

Illustration of a capibara sitting with wide, red eyes, holding his arms to his chest. Ghosts fly out from his arms and the words on the illustration read "Time to embrace my inner demons".

Illustration of a stomach with eyes and a little smile. Around the stomach are the words "I need you to listen to me", "Can anybody hear me?" and "hello?". The illustration reads: "Listen and trust your gut".

Illustration of a person, naked, on a swing. In the background is a rainbow in purple/pink colors and the clouds are pastel-colored. The person is surrounded by flowers. The drawing says: "I am always & fully myself"

Illustration of brown shapes in the background. This changes into some colorful shapes around the words "Imagine all the geat things you're missing out on trying to be normal".

Illustration of a turtle on a beach looking at the waves in the see in the distance. The illustration reads "I take small steps to get to where I am going".

Illustration that says "Do Not Silence That Weird Little Voice in Your Head". The text is in a cloud and the background is multicolored. Around the cloud are the words 'blablabla' repeated.

An illustration of the moon, smiling. Around it are clouds. In the moon the words are written: "If you feel overwhelmed, focus on your breating: in- and exhale control and feel the storm slowly settle".

Illustration with a colorful background. In the front there's a cloud with writing. It says: "I refuse to let another dream go to waste because I was too afraid what would happen if I let myself try"

Illustration with a pink background and the words "you can't hate yourself into loving yourself"

Illustration of a Queen playing card but instead of the regular icons, it says "no" and a red circle with a stripe. Around the card is barbed wire and it reads "Queen of Boundaries".

Colorful illustration with the words "Boundaries are about protecting yourself, not their feelings".

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Feminism did ruin my life

This is what I noticed since I started reading about feminism and listening to feminists like Florence Given.

Feminism ruined my life in the best way possible.

Every song, every movie, TV-show, every interaction I have is forever tainted because of my new feminist view on life. Friends discussing some rude man they’re into, a glorification of heteronormativity in movies, the portrayal of female characters in my favorite shows?

All of it is much clearer to me now.

And honestly, once you start reading this book, it will be clear to you too. Because just like a fish does not notice the water it is in, do we not recognize the systems we’re inevitably a part of. Unless it is pointed out to us as clearly and unapologetically as Florence Given does in her book.

And even though movies, the music industry and a bunch of friendships might be ruined forever for me, I could not be happier to actually have a clearer view of the world and the messed up standards we’re held up to.

I am going to discuss some of the ways this book has been an eye opener to me. Just a heads up: this will definitely be an ode to the book and feminism in general.

1. ‘Women Don’t Owe You Palatable’: Stop Shrinking Yourself Down

To me, one of the most important messages of the book that stuck with me the most, is the message that we live our lives for nobody else but us.

We spent so much time thinking about other people, trying to live up to impossible standards to make sure we are “liked” and deemed “worthy” of respect and human decency. We make ourselves smaller in every way possible just so people find us easier to digest. But as Florence points out in her book, we will never be able to “do it right”.

We are so limited by the systems we live in, making it impossible for us to actually be either ourselves or whatever society wants us to be.

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Something I have been thinking about a lot and that is discussed in this book, is the question whether I am actually doing something for me or because it is expected of me. Do I put on make-up in the morning because I like it? Or do I do it because I feel like I am less of a woman without it? Do I wear jeans to work because they’re comfortable or because I feel like I will not be taken seriously while wearing dresses? Do you sit and listen because you actually have nothing to say about the subject or because you do not want to be “too intimidating”?

The list goes on and on.

Once you actually realize that a lot of the things you do are subconscious efforts to meet the standards of society, it will probably piss you off. A lot.

But whether we wear make-up, put on the jeans or spend our time nodding and smiling, we can never win. We will always be too quiet, too much, not enough, or whatever label we receive from a judgemental world ready to put women down at every turn.

So to quote from the book: “If you’re going to be punished either way, you might as well do whatever the fuck you want.” (Given, 2020).

2. Women Don’t Owe You Emotional Labor: Dump Them

One of the famous phrases used by Florence Given is the seemingly harsh “Dump Him”.

This was one of the things I felt conflicted about at first. I was not ready to face this truth yet and so I didn’t. I was dating emotionally unavailable men, trying to find the “missing piece”–my “other half”. Engaging in friendships in which I gave way more than I received, people who did not value me or my time at all.

I was basically the target demographic for the “dump him”-movement.

When something feels so comfortable and ‘normal’, it is hard to accept that you might actually be doing something harmful. Harmful to yourself. And you are living your life for you, so why would you ever hurt yourself in any way?

Even though Florence has moved on from her famous catchphrase, Florence Given and the #DumpHim-movement made me realize the things wrong with my dating life. First of all, the realization that you are not missing a piece. You are not a half and so you do not need to look for one. After that, you will realize that 80% of the time, you are not in love with a person you think you are in love with. You are in love with an idea of a person.

Or with their potential.

Which means that your relationship with this person will be full of disappointment or completely drenched in emotional labor. It will be you trying to turn them into something they’re not, just because you do not want to face the fact that they’re not right for you.

Usually you’re better off alone

When the answer to your relationship-questions is #DumpHim, it might seem drastic at first. It definitely did to me. But when you start to think about it, you will realize it actually is the only answer in most cases. If you communicate for hours on end and there is no visible change in any way, then really the only answer is to dump them.

Your partner does not want to clean up their shit? Dump them. You feel like you cannot talk to them about your issues? Dump them. You talk but they do not listen and never remember anything? Dump them. You put a lot of effort into the relationship and get nothing back? Dump them.

There are literally millions of other people on the planet.

There will be someone else who will appreciate the magic that you bring and will fit you better. And if not, then you are the one who will appreciate the magic you bring.

This does not only apply to romantic relationships. When your friends are not willing to accept the person you are and everything you bring to the table, then it is time to reevaluate your friendships.

When you’re growing, changing or being unapologetically you and your people are not there to support you, dump them. We deserve better and Florence Given tells us exactly why.

Newsflash: the answer will always be #DumpHim.

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3. Women Don’t Owe You Relationships: You Are The Love of Your Life

I gained a complete new perspective of self-love while reading this book.

First because self-love is completely governed by capitalism. We buy things because of “self-love”. Things to make us feel better only for a short period of time. Like beauty creams, new boots, snacks… Literally any item that can be purchased can be labeled “self-love” if you want to.

But the thing we are missing is that self-love is not about external things. How can something external help you love the internal more?

Shocker: it can’t.

To actually feel in love with yourself–to practice actual self-love–you have to fully love every aspect of yourself. You have to realize that you, in fact, are the love of your own life. Nobody else can fill that spot in your heart but you. We are led to believe we actually need someone in our life to make us feel loved. And we feel like we cannot do life “right” unless we get in a relationship, are married and/or have kids.

We spend so much of our time obsessing over others… Do they like us back?

Women don’t owe you time

The amount of effort and time we put into questioning whether we are attractive enough for them to notice us. We think about our appearance a lot, we spend hours getting ready to go out. Even if it is just to go to the grocery store because you might bump into them. You never know.

Think about all of that lost time obsessing over other people. Whether it is romantic relationships or friendships, family, colleagues, whatever.

It is a complete waste of time.

To quote the book once more: “If you could stop worrying about romantic love altogether, what would you be able to achieve with this new, enormous resource of energy?” (Given, 2020). Honestly. Just imagine. You could start the business you’ve been feeling too insecure about, read that book, wear that make up, dye your hair, switch careers.

You could literally do anything once you realize you do not have to spend any time dating or “finding a man”.

4. Women Don’t Owe Other Women Anything: Stop Putting Other Women Down

Another thing that the book discusses elaborately is the relationship between women. Good old internalized misogyny. Something that has bothered me forever and something I have definitely been complicit in, is women putting other women down.

I have put so many people down in the past… People who were just living their lives triggered me so much. I thought it was because they were not being “normal” and that bothered me.

Why couldn’t they just be normal?

The fat woman dressing in whatever she wants to would annoy me so much. Can’t she see that a crop top is just not working for her? What I only now have come to realize, after listening to lots of activists and people like Florence Given, is that I was feeling so trapped in the construct of “normal” that I was completely jealous of everyone who dared to tread beyond that.

Wendy in between frames that gives off a neon light. She has her arms spread out and looks to the side.

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Women Don’t Owe You Comfort

I never felt courageous enough to wear whatever I wanted because ‘what if someone would think of me what I thought of others?’ Florence explains this further in her book through the concept of projection.

Projection is something we all do, it is a two-way street.

We project our own insecurities onto others and other people project theirs onto us. Everything people say to us is “based on a projection of how they feel about themselves”. But if judging others and projecting our insecurities is so natural, how do we not do it? The book is pretty clear about this: just don’t discuss other women’s flaws. Whenever we get together, instead of talking about other women and all of their flaws, why not spend time lifting each other up?

If we put all of that effort to good use, we could actually help each other achieve great things.

We need to actually sit with ourselves and hold ourselves accountable. Think about all the ways we are actually hating on other women and try to figure out what insecurity lies beneath this projection. Like how we’re sure all other women are out to steal our boyfriend (they’re not–he’s not that great).

Another thing that has helped me tremendously and has been mentioned in the book is exposing yourself to different narratives. Start following the people that you would usually judge for being themselves. Follow plus sized models, trans women, women who dress however they want.

Expose yourself to different lives than yours and celebrate the gorgeousness of someone unapologetically living their life to the fullest. And instead of letting it get to you in a negative way, let it inspire you to also be you.

The full and complete version of you who dares to be whoever they are and do whatever makes them feel good.