Authentic connection: when someone loves all of your beautiful self
What happens when you find someone who loves you for who you are?
Growing up, I never understood that romantic relationships require authentic connection. I grew up with romcoms and high expectations that could never be fulfilled. I believed that in order to be loved, I had to change. Never had I thought that being loved is about a connection between your real self and someone else’s. But how do you find this authentic type of love? And what happens when you do?
I used to think love was something people could only find with one special someone in their life. I thought authentic connection was more of a ‘soul mate’ type of situation. One where you find someone who fits the current version of you so well, that there couldn’t be anyone one else for you out there.
I believed that when we eventually drifted away from that one person we were meant to be with, love would never look – or feel – the same.
Now, I know where this unrealistic feeling comes from. Because it’s plastered all over popular media. Every romantic movie that I grew up with had a turbulent relationship in it. One that eventually turned out perfect because two people simply said they were destined for each other. (without having had a conversation beyond the troubles they faced in the movie).
Even after they both made each other’s lives miserable. If they did something bad to one another, or completely uprooted each other’s entire existence in the name of love, they would still end up together.
Because according to these movies, love isn’t really about who you’re with. It’s about finding someone who decides they love you and you – organically – deciding the same.
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“Authentic connection”
Back then, authentic connection to me meant that you did whatever you needed to do to be the ‘right’ kind of person for your partner. Even if that meant that you should never show any of the bad that also inhabits your brain. If you ignore all the ‘bad’ parts of yourself and accept that you don’t know best when it comes to your needs, you can actually be the perfect partner.
A partner that doesn’t nag. One that’s never sad. And one who always has dinner ready at the right time while still working her day time job.
And usually my partner, a man, wouldn’t have to change at all. Because I was already working on being everything for them. They got to be angry with me. They got to feel crappy while dropping everything in the process – even me. And most importantly: they were perfect as they were.
So why would they need to do anything differently? No, the future of the relationship was on me. And I was the one who needed to work hard for it. I needed to make sure we stayed together and lived happily ever after. I alone was responsible and if it didn’t work out, it was on me.
Insecure connection
But what I didn’t fully clock while being in these relationships, is that my partner always made me feel insecure, anxious and basically unworthy. Solely because of the fact that they claimed to – alledgedly – love me.
I couldn’t simply believe that they could.
And that made me feel nervous. I didn’t feel any sense of calm or relaxed. I was always worried these men were going to break up with me. And I worried that they weren’t actually in love with me – or even that I wasn’t really in love with them (shout out to the time I was scared to go to therapy cause I thought I might find out I wasn’t actually in love with my boyfriend).
I felt like there were better people out there than me and I was basically in survival mode 24/7. While claiming I was in a healthy relationship.
But it felt way better than being alone. Cause I hadn’t really done that before and if there wasn’t a boyfriend to – supposedly – love you, then where did you get a sense of worth or a feeling of belonging?
Other than a complete lack of confidence there was another big thing wrong with these relationships. Something that is undoubtedly related to the feelings of self-doubt and insecurity that have haunted me for years now.
Not really me
When these men told me they loved me, when they talked about how fun I was and how amazing, they were talking about the ‘me’ that I crafted in my mind. The ‘not like other girls’ funny, perfect gamer girlfriend who didn’t complain about things and who always put out when they wanted to (cause good girls are nothing more than a tool for mast*rbation).
They loved (allegedly) a version of me that didn’t even exist. It was a lie and it was a lie that I not only told them, but that I also told myself.
But the difference was that I already knew that that wasn’t me. I knew that I wasn’t the girl they were into and that if the smoke cleared, I’d be just me. Lonely and depressed. While being in something called a ‘loving relationship’.
And still I believed that it was my fault. That I was ‘weird’ for not being the right person for these men. Because they decided that they wanted to be with me. And that meant that it had to be so. Because if a guy decides he wants you, you better fall to your knees and be grateful for the fact that you finally landed a mediocre prince. Someone who will ‘save’ you to then slowly turn you into a maid. As a way to thank him for saving you in the first place, of course.
And so I worked to be that perfect version of some girl that wasn’t me.
Half-ass authentic connection
And of course, it wasn’t all smoke and mirrors. I did show parts of myself that were ‘me’. But I was seventeen when I started dating (older) men. And I never dared to take the time and figure out what ‘dating’ actually meant. So, I mostly kept the parts of myself that these men enjoyed, made them way bigger and ignored everything else that wasn’t accepted.
At seventeen, I let a twenty-one year old man tell me what being in a relationship meant. And I let his wishes determine the kind of girlfriend I should be.
That’s how I learned that he would ghost me if I pissed him off. That sex was super important to him because he stayed with his ex who put out, even though he liked my ‘virgin’ ass more than her. Or that I shouldn’t mess with his car cause he would get super angry. And that he never had money to spend on us but definitely plenty to spend on his car or video games. I always ended up sad.
I never let myself explore anything else. And I never thought about other options. My relationships were based on what my mom and dad had had, which I romanticized in my head (even though it turned out to be 100% bad later). And I tried to recreate that movie ‘magic’ with a partner who basically wasn’t right for me at all.
What ‘authentic connection’ means
Only when I had my heart broken plenty of times and spend more time by myself, I learned what ‘authentic connection’ actually means. I started to understand that not every person who likes you, is right for you.
That not everyone who expresses an interest should be dated. That not every relationship just magically works out if you ‘try’ hard enough.
And that I, myself, can look for a partner that fits me instead of waiting for someone to find my wounded bird-self and ‘fix’ me into a better woman. A better woman that I wouldn’t recognize in the mirror but who was loved by the person they shared a bed with.
It didn’t have to be that way.
I realized that being in a relationship didn’t mean you had to be the same person 100% of the time. You didn’t have to ‘choose’ a character and stick with it.
Being in a relationship means that you, as a full human being, like spending time with another full human being. Someone that enjoys your company and likes talking to you. And that you value in the exact same way. You don’t have to have all matching interests, or feel the exact same way about everything in life (although I could never be with someone who believes I don’t deserve rights, but you all do you I guess).
Being in an authentic relationship means you both get space to be messy, weird, cringy, grow and heal. And that your partner approaches all of that with kindness and compassion.
My authentic connection allowed me to explore my sexuality, to help me think about the things I want to do in my life and the way I want to make a difference. It helped me on a path to love my body and my mind and it helps me every day to at least work towards being my best self while also feeling okay about being a sad little blob that lives on the corner of the couch.
You are enough
We don’t have to be the perfect person for other people. We have to focus on being the right person for us; a person that holds our own hand, helps us grow and that encourages us to reach out to others when we feel like we’re drowning.
Dating is often framed as two halfs becoming a whole. As one person ‘finding’ the other and ‘choosing’ them.
But this romanticized, Hollywood-ish idea of love puts a lot of pressure on something that should be more like a dynamic dance. We find a partner that we’ll twirl around with for a second, maybe even a minute. If we like them enough we stay with them and dance the night away.
But if you’re jigging and jiving with someone who doesn’t match your rhythm, there is no reason for you to adjust your pace and meet them where they’re at. There are plenty of dance partners who wouldn’t step on your feet in order to get the moves right.
And you definitely don’t have to let them lead if that means shrinking yourself down to a more digestible version of yourself.
It’s not give and take
When you do have to adjust for your partner, it’s in a way that still protects your peace. You don’t uproot your whole life just so you can be the ‘right’ person for this other person. You can help them and be there for them when they need your support. But boundaries are still important, even when your partner – or you – are struggling.
Authentic connection means you get to advocate for yourself and listen to your partner advocating for themselves, while both making the right choices for your own life. And still liking each other afterwards.
You are not changing shape to fit around someone else’s perception of you.
People – and Hollywood – would like you to believe a relationship is ‘give and take’; you win some, you lose some. And even though you should definitely be flexible in a relationship, it is not an exchange of goods. It’s not ‘keeping score’; a balancing book that you keep track of just in case you need to see whether or not you’ve taken too much or haven’t given enough.
You’re living your life, full of joy, self-exploration, curiosity and authenticity, together with another person who is doing the same. And meanwhile, you help each other up and encourage each other to keep going.
You are each other’s authenticity-cheerleaders, bringing the best out in the other while accepting the worst (up to the point where it’s still healthy for the both of you, of course).
That is what authentic connection is about.
And once you find it, you’ll never go back.
