Women fighting for themselves: a really powerful act of resistance
When you're supposed to live in service of others, standing up for yourself is defiance
Women fighting for themselves; it’s not necessarily a sight we get to behold very often. We all know the ‘mama bear’-trope that describes women as the protectors of their family or friends. Women know how to push back and are incredibly strong. Despite the existing stereotypes. But one thing we barely get to see – or that is immediately condemned when it happens – is that same ‘mama bear’ fighting for herself. And we’re going to talk about why that is.
Even though the picture painted of men was always the one of ‘protector’, we all know that women know what it means to defend their own. In nature, where most fathers abandon their young after conception or birth – or even kill them, the mother stays with her children and protects them.
We know that you should never come between an actual mama bear and her bear cub. And the same goes for humans.
The ‘mama bear’-trope is alive and well in television and movies, but she’s based on real life experience. Every woman and person who was raised as such knows: we don’t hold back when it comes to fighting for the people we care about.
We don’t care who we have to fight, you don’t touch our people. Not our partners, not our friends and not our children.
Then why, if we’re so strong, do we still feel like pushovers most of the time? Why do we accept a lot of the verbal and emotional violence directed our way? Even though we would’ve never let that slide if they came for our loved ones like that?
The reason why, of course, is misogyny.
Short summary for quick readers
- Women are always expected to fight for or nurture other people; we are meant to be in service of others, never ourselves.
- A woman who decides to do anything for herself is always labeled 'selfish'; a word with negative connotations. Society wants to discourage women from choosing themselves.
- That's why women who do choose themselves are labeled 'ugly' or not 'feminine' anymore. Selfishness is undesirable and is equated with unlikeable.
- If there's one thing we're conditioned not to be, it's unlikeable. We always strive for niceness which ultimately makes us more docile and submissive.
- That is why women fighting for their own needs and ambitions is such a powerful thing to do. To resist the conditioning and do things for you.
- But women who fight for themselves also show other women, who are still stuck in their conditioning, that there are other options.
- Fighting for yourself always comes with losses: you won't be seen as nice and pretty anymore. But you will gain more authenticity and opportunities.
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Women fight for other people
As humans in a patriarchal society, we’ll always live our lives in service of that society. And that means that the way we dress, talk and even our behavior, will be aimed at keeping that status quo in place.
The role that the patriarchy has reserved for women, is that of ‘nurturer’. The caregiver.
We are there to always make sure other people are properly cared for. And of course, that mostly applies to men and the children we bear them. But the idea of caregiver and nurturer is so ingrained in our soul; we become the protector of the people we love.
Women are always meant to be in service of someone – anyone – but themselves.
We can fight at the PTA-meetings, standing firm for the rights of our children. Or condemn another woman for criticizing our husband. We have to fight our mothers who dare to interfere in our family. And we have to push back on the hateful things people say about the way our family functions.
Even going against the critique we receive about our motherhood or the kind of partner we are, is valid.
Because all of that is still in service of the traditional family. The values of the patriarchy that we as women are required to carry out and protect. We get to be a mama bear who protects her family and her cubs.
As long as we’re not solely looking out for our own ambitions and needs.
Cause that is what being a caregiver means when it comes to the society we live in. No room for selfishness, just the nurturing of others.
Women fighting for themselves are selfish
Selfishness is a keyword here. A keyword with very negative connotations.
And that word is used to describe women for a reason.
We are heavily criticized when we do actually do something for ourselves. Especially when we’re mothers or wives. The very roles in which we’re supposed to be serving a man or his offspring.
A woman who goes back to work even though she has children, is criticized for leaving her kids “alone”. A woman who plans a trip and leaves her husband home to care for himself is “neglecting” him. Women who do something for themselves that is not related to becoming a better wife or mother (let’s be honest, no woman is criticized for prenatal yoga classes or having relaxing spa days when she was getting a bit too “emotional”) are labeled as selfish almost immediately.
And that is because society wants to actively discourage women from actually choosing themselves.
The only way to woman ‘right’ is by always working in service of the men we decide to partner ourselves up with. Or even the men that we can’t choose ourselves.
Because a daughter who doesn’t take care of the father who chose to have her, also fails some morality test that she didn’t even know she was taking.
The most important thing society wants a woman to remember is that her mind and her body aren’t hers. And should always be used in service of others.
Women fighting for themselves are ugly
Because even when we do get to venture out into the world to make a career for ourselves, there are specific jobs that women should be doing.
The gender expectations when it comes to work are very strong.
And unsurprisingly, those expectations for women all revolve around nurturing. We can be nurses, teachers, hairdressers. We can do whatever we want as long as we’re still mostly taking care of someone else.
A woman who is working her way up the corporate ladder to become the next CEO of a successful company? A selfish shrew who is probably also a ‘mean girl’.
When women are working in offices, it’s important she’s doing something that is considered ‘feminine’. She can be in HR or she can be the CEO of a company for beauty products.
A successful lawyer within a firm that represents more ‘masculine’ clients or god forbid; other women who are trying to make it in the world? How dare she?
Assertiveness isn’t valued in women when she uses said assertiveness to fight for her own rights. Or her own position within the family.
Women fighting for themselves and their own opportunities is immediately dismissed as someone who is selfish. And more importantly, with that, she’s dismissed as being undesirable – as selfish people usually are.
Because a woman who chooses not to nurture can’t possibly be likable. That’s how society discourages us from actually examining what we want in life.
Because going after what you want makes you the one thing women fear the most: ugly and undateable.
We don’t want to be unlikable
And that’s why we have such a hard time standing up against people disrespecting us. With setting our own personal boundaries and sticking with them.
Because of the fact that selfishness and “ugly” are the two things that are conditioned out of us so intensely from the moment we’re showing signs of womanhood.
We are specifically taught to chase niceness and beauty and dread undesirability, effectively making us more docile and submissive.
The one thing we need in life is a man. And we should do whatever we can to reach that goal. And basically the only part of reaching that goal, is to be what he wants us to be. “He” being the mythical idea of men that we grow up with. The one who only likes the women from the magazines. Who wants “beauty”. Who only appreciates curvy slenderness (contradictory, I know). And who believes the perfect wife is one who takes care of him no matter the cost.
Women grow up ready to cater to the idea of manhood that members of the man gender are basically forced to adopt. And that’s how we neatly fit into the structure of the patriarchy. Like a toxic version of yin and yang. Complying and demanding while staying completely stagnant.
Because if we condition boys into believing they should have a certain standard for women, and we condition girls into believing that they have to be that in order to find love, everyone is unhappily chasing an unrealistic ideal and too busy feeling inadequate to actually break the cycle.
Why you should be fighting for you
But that is exactly why women should be fighting for themselves. Why it is such an important choice to make. Even though it’s a hard one.
Because if the patriarchy wants women to always look out for others and never themselves, then a big way to resist that conditioning is to go against it. One of the ways a woman can “burn down the patriarchy” is by choosing herself.
Whether that is through fighting for a promotion, going on a much needed trip with friends or simply by saying ‘no’ to someone.
Imagine the power needed to actually say “no more” and fight against everything that you’ve believed for your whole life. The power to show other women that this is a possibility.
Especially for a lot of men, it’s hard to imagine that there’s some invisible force holding us back. That women feel the weight of judgment and the unseen rules of culture and society on their shoulders. Without ever realizing they have the power to fight it.
They’d say “then choose something else”; as if the gender most obsessed with invisible hierarchy and alpha/beta-ideology operates completely out of free will.
Conditioning is strong and has its claws in us without anyone noticing.
That’s why there is nothing stronger than a woman who actually fights for her own autonomy. Well, not in the eyes of society: that woman will be shamed, shunned and dissected in the media constantly.
But for the women – and most importantly the little girls – watching, an act of resistance can be the start of a revolution.
Women fighting for themselves instead of each other
It’s hard to push against the tight confines of the bubble of conditioning that we’ve been living in.
And not only because we’re constantly being lied to about the existence of that bubble by men denying the patriarchy. A lot of women don’t even realize that they’re living in it and with that, play their part and actively perpetuate the stereotypes that add to the shaming of women who do step out of line.
Some women are so reluctant to acknowledge their own conditioning, they will be a willing participant in forcing other women to stay in their lane.
Internalized misogyny is strong when it comes to women fighting for themselves. And a group of women fighting for themselves and against the status quo, makes women who aren’t ready to face their reality yet, insecure.
It’s scary to have to acknowledge that there might a different version of the ‘truth’ that you hadn’t considered yet. Especially if that means that you’d be better off doing the scary thing: making a choice for you – no matter how hard you’ll be judged for it.
Be honest: if you could choose between staying put or actually subject yourself to the constant scrutiny that feminists and women who stand up for themselves face, it’d be easier – and safer – to just stick your head in the sand.
And it’s even safer to step out of the line of fire altogether and align yourself with the men actively pushing us down.
Even when it’s men who are actually hurting us (hi, Blake Lively haters).
Fighting for yourself means you will lose
The harsh reality is that choosing resistance always comes with losses. You will lose your carefully crafted ‘nurturing’ personality. Because no matter how illogical and backwards the reasoning is, feminists and women who choose themselves will never be aligned with the word “caregiver”.
As soon as you choose one, you will be stripped of the other.
A woman who chooses herself isn’t likable, kind, nice or loving. Believe me: as someone who has “kindness” plastered all over her profile, the one thing I hear the most when I stand up for myself, women or even men, is: “that’s not very kind of you”. With a screenshot to my profile.
And when you do still choose to align yourself with the label of nurturer while also standing up for yourself, then get ready to be judged more harshly than anyone.
Choosing resistance comes with letting go of conditioning and the unfortunate thing is that all the labels we get from conditioning are ‘positive’ ones. So letting go of conditioning basically means you’re going to be a ‘bad person’ for a while.
What a lot of women don’t realize, however, is that the status quo isn’t synonymous with what is right. And that means that even though the conditioned crew will see you as ‘bad’, you’re more free to do what is right.
Like standing up for marginalized communities, choosing not to participate in the capitalist hellscape we live in, put up boundaries with abusive family members – choosing yourself might make you less liked but it will 100% help you like yourself.
And it will open you up to opportunities you would’ve never considered before.
Women need to practice fighting for themselves
So, how do we actually stand up for ourselves? The only thing I can say is: practice makes perfect. And believe me: once you’ve done it, it becomes easier every time. The feeling of “this aligns with what I believe in” is addictive and it will help you choose the right thing every time.
Of course, it still depends on the situation and the place you’re in. It’s harder to stand up for yourself with friends and family than it is with people you don’t really know or are not closely related to.
But that’s something you can use to your advantage.
Practice with people you don’t know first. Let people who only uphold the vague idea of ‘womanhood’ come at you first. And then face the people who know you as a woman and the way you’ve been playing the part of womanhood for them for decades.
To them, the betrayal will cut deepest.
Because your needs will inevitably clash with theirs. Since their needs were all you were focusing on before.
A woman setting boundaries with her husband and cutting ties with the role of homemaker and ‘perfect wife’, will most definitely ruffle some feathers. Because it will mean that other people in the house need to take on parts of that role to maintain the balance needed for the family to function.
But that’s a good thing.
Because then, that burden doesn’t solely rest on your shoulders.
While you were busy thinking about their needs, literally no one was thinking about yours.
And when you set boundaries, you force them to acknowledge that there’s more to you than therapist, mother, maid, nymph, virgin, nurse or a servant.
Women fighting for themselves is good
Women fighting for themselves means they finally get the chance to live their life the way they want to. And even if it turns out that all you want to do is be a nurturer. Then at least you got to figure that out without everyone expecting you to take up that role.
But I’m going to be very honest with you: in order for you to be the best caregiver you could be, you still need to honor your own need for rest. You know, “put your own oxygen mask on first, then help your child put on theirs”.
Even if you do want to be the caring mother and the loving wife who takes care of everyone, there’s no denying that standing up for yourself is a very big part of that. The way I’ve seen great mothers crumble under the guilt of going to the bathroom for thirty seconds without bringing their child…
Nurturing can become a suffocating straightjacket that crushes us with feelings of inadequacy when we don’t know how to advocate for ourselves.
Every person needs rest. Yet us women are expected to be natural caregivers who never burnout because of the joy that looking after others is supposed to bring us.
I say that’s bullshit.
Women not fighting serves one purpose
It’s a way for society to exploit us. To get a free housekeeper who never complains. So, even if you do feel like you need to be in service of others, please protect yourself by backing yourself.
The roles we have are only healthy if we get to perform them our own way. Not the way other people think we should.
You are your own person. And you are human. You deserve the same grace other humans get, too.
Unfortunately, you’re going to have to fight to get it.
Because rest will never, ever be handed to us.
