How to hack women’s everlasting struggle with motivation
This is why motivation has always been a struggle for women – and how to fix it
Image by: Freepik
Do you struggle with motivation and with sticking to the goals you set? Me too. In this blog I’ll talk about why that is. And most importantly: how we can try to make “doing the thing” a little less hard.
Motivation will always be an interesting subject to me. Mainly because it is something that I have struggled with for as long as I can remember.
The fact that writing this blog post took me like six years says it all. The struggle isn’t my lack of it. My struggle with motivation comes from the fact that I am a very ambitious and goal-oriented person. Someone who still will not do the things that she needs to do in order to reach said goals.
No matter how badly I want to.
And why? Because if one part of the task is boring, I decide to yeet the whole thing altogether. If there’s one boring task before I can actually start with the fun stuff, then I’m sorry but the fun stuff won’t get done either.
Usually they’re small. Like changing your clothes before heading out to the gym.
And still, these small things can turn the whole experience a bland shade of grey. That doesn’t encourage you to take action at all. Isn’t that wild? That’s why we’re going to learn how to deal with a lack of motivation when it comes to a task that you actually really want to accomplish.
Cause, let’s be honest, teaching you to find motivation for something you hate doing, is not something that I personally want to find the motivation for.
Short summary for quick readers
- The struggle with motivation can be explained through the intention-behavior gap: there are multiple factors that determine whether or not you'll do something: motivation, capability and opportunity.
- There are two categories of motivation: intrinsic and extrinsic. One is based on a drive that comes from within, the other depends on an external factor like a reward.
- Intrinsic motivation is the one that plays a big part in whether or not you'll do a task. But if your intrinsic motivation is lacking, you can try extrinsic rewards to trigger your reward system.
- To help increase your motivation, you can break tasks down into smaller parts or use tools to help you make lists and plan your day.
- Capability is about whether or not you believe in your own ability to do the task. This can be influenced by gender; women usually don't believe they can do things and tend to think they're less capable.
- You can increase your capability by finding someone to cheer you on. That can be a friend or family member but it most definitely can also be you.
- Opportunity is the one area where we can have some influence: it's about creating an environment that makes the task more likely to occur.
- You can get rid of distractions by limiting notifications. You can clean your work area and finish tasks before you do something else.
- Women face an extra hurdle when they have to do tasks that society deems inappropriate for them or when they work on their careers while being limited by everything and everyone around them. Women don't just fight lack of motivation, they also fight their own conditioning.
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The truth behind the struggle with motivation
This disconnect between motivation and executing can be explained through something called the intention-behavior gap.
We all know that motivation plays a big part in “doing the thing”, but it’s not the only part necessary. The intention-behavior gap explains behavior through three factors. First, you have to look at your capability. Your actual skill to execute the action at hand. If you don’t feel psychologically or physically equipped to actually do the thing, it will influence the likelihood of the behavior occurring.
Sounds reasonable, right?
The last one is opportunity. Opportunities are the external things that contribute to the behavior. Things in your environment that either help you or keep you from behaving a certain way. When one or multiple of these factors aren’t present, the chances of you actually doing what you want to do become smaller.
Let’s look at this from an easy-to-understand example. You want to work out (motivation), you’re physically able to go to the gym (capability) but the nearest gym is a 30-minute car ride away (opportunity). The chances of you actually going to the gym are all dependent on whether or not you can cross that gap.
For some people, disabled people for example, crossing that gap becomes harder. Because both capabilities and opportunities are usually more limited. For people with mental health issues, the lack of motivation can limit them and keep that gap in place.
Everyone has their own unique intention-behavior grid. That either helps you or keeps you from behaving the way you would like. Understanding the intention-behavior gap can be key in understanding why you keep “failing” at reaching your goals.
First off: motivation, what is it?
The best way to deal with the intention-behavior gap is through actually addressing all three of these factors beforehand.
By mapping these things out for every goal you have, and by tackling the things that might cause a gap, you can increase your chances of executing the behavior you want to. So we’re going to break them down individually.
Yes, this will be a blog with a lot of information. But hopefully, we’ll be able to tackle our issues with motivation and behavior. First we’re going to look at motivation itself.
To me, motivation is such a big part of the human experience. Something we all deal with–or don’t know how to deal with. It’s what drives our actions and the why behind our behavior.
Motivation is actually a pretty big deal.
Just this week, you probably had to do something you didn’t want to. And you probably forced yourself to do it anyway. Even if you were really dreading it. Or you abandoned the task altogether, only to have it loom over you like a dark coming storm.
Lack of motivation is a daily struggle for many of us. And for some it can even turn into a real war. Some of our tasks we do on auto-pilot. We don’t even have to think about doing them, because our body drives us to do them. An example of this is eat. You don’t have to find the motivation to eat if you’re hungry. That is your motivation right there. The same goes for thirst.
But what about the things that we don’t actually need in order to survive.
The two categories of motivation
In very simple terms, motivation can basically be divided into two categories: intrinsic and extrinsic motivation. There are more but I want to keep it simple for now. The latter is a motivation solely based on either a reward or punishment. It is your mom who used to tell you to clean your room, otherwise you weren’t allowed to play video games that week.
Intrinsic motivation is the opposite of that. It is about a drive that comes from within, a reason why you want to do something. For example, me creating this blog because I want to help women live a more authentic life.
Again: I know it’s more complicated than this but for now, these are the two main types of motivation that we’ll work with here.
Scientists have already determined that one type of motivation generally beats the other. Intrinsic motivation is supposed to be your best bet for success. Although extrinsic motivation definitely has its part to play too.
But the most important thing to remember is: if you have motivation – whether that’s through reward or passion – you’re already one third of the way there.
Dopamine and its role in motivation
You probably have already heard about dopamine and the part it plays in the struggle with motivation.
And I can already see the ND’s among us starting to panic sweat.
Cause for some people dopamine is an actual problem.
Now, if you’re neurodivergent (hey there, fellow ND’s!), these things might be harder for you to figure out. Or you need to tweak your own execution in order to make it work for you. And that means the stimulus has to be just as compelling as that special interest you get lost in for months.
Because the truth for everyone is: some tasks just don’t give you that feeling of ‘this will be good’. Dopamine won’t motivate you to do what you need to do if something else will give you a bigger reward (oh hi, doom scrolling).
When the actual task is sort of boring, you’re more likely to open a new tab and start googling random celebrity beef (I may or may not have wasted entire days reading about Taylor Swift and her beef with Scooter Braun). And that’s why a combination of both intrinsic and extrinsic motivators is important.
Because when you can’t find the intrinsic motivation to do something, an external reward might do the trick for you. But an extrinsic motivator always has to be connected to an intrinsic motivator, otherwise it will not motivate you. Your parents yelling at you to clean your room wouldn’t have worked if you didn’t feel that strong need to please them and make them happy. Working hard to get an A on a test wouldn’t work if you weren’t intrinsically motivated to perform and impress others with your ‘smarts’.
So if you’re thinking about tackling your struggle with motivation, you need to think about what actually motivates you.
Break things down to motivate yourself
You need to have a strong ‘why’ to your actions and the extrinsic motivator to match. You already know why you want to do the things that you want to do. But is there enough of an incentive to actually work towards that goal?
There are a few things that can help with that feeling of accomplishment. Even when you’re not at the finish line yet. Having 200 subscribers on your website is a good goal to work towards. But that might be too abstract when you’re not growing with every word you write or post.
You need an instant dopamine release to actually do the things that don’t really give you any feeling of accomplishment yet.
So break things down in smaller tasks. If you need to work out your finances, break that down in pieces that you can cross of your to-do list faster. If you need help with the breaking down-part, you can use a tool like Goblin Tools. Here you can add a bigger goal to accomplish and Goblin Tools will break it down in manageable tasks.
End the struggle with motivation through micro tasks
For my neurodivergent readers: the website has a lot of handy tools to help you with daily tasks (I’m not being paid to promote Goblin Tools, I just think it’s a very helpful tool that I will promote for free).
When you have a list of small tasks, you can sprinkle those all over your daily schedule. You don’t have to do the big task all at once. You can do a little bit of it every day and slowly work towards the deadline. And when you put all these small tasks into clear and precise goals, like I described in this blog, you might actually get some shit done!
Once you have gained a clear perspective on what motivates you and how you can motivate yourself through intrinsic and extrinsic rewards, we can get into the second factor of the intention-behavior gap: capability.
And this is a tricky one.
Especially for people who have been taught that things just simply aren’t for them.
Women’s struggle with motivation
How much of our struggle with motivation for things that seem ‘hard’, stems from the fact that we never learned to actually tackle those issues or – let alone – enjoy them?
Because a lot of the boring things that we have to accomplish before doing the fun stuff, traditionally haven’t been considered a “woman’s job”.
When I think about taking care of my finances, I immediately feel a sense of insecurity wash over me: I don’t know how to handle money… I’m always broke and I believe that’s because there’s a secret to handling money. Like you’d have to have some intrinsic characteristic or biological trait to be able to know how to handle a bank account like a pro.
I have noticed that my reluctancy to deal with certain aspects of the things I actually want to do stems from a feeling of inadequacy.
From not feeling equipped to actually do those things.
And that feeling could really mess with my ability to actually make a plan come to fruition. I could stop working on a passion project just because I know one step along the way will be hard – or even seemingly impossible – for me. And instead of working on it, I abandon the whole thing altogether.
That sounds like such a waste of a beautiful idea that could actually have become something bigger for other people to enjoy.
We’re taught that we have a very specific set of skills that is usually about caring for others. That we’re sweet, soft, kind and nurturing. We’re never ‘logical’ or good at math. We aren’t considered the ‘go-getters’ that men are supposed to be. And that type of conditioning runs deep.
All the way into our own convictions about our own abilities.
You need someone to believe in you
If you don’t feel supported the people around you and by yourself, it will be very hard to actually get anything done. Because if there is literally no one who believes in you, then what will actually drive you to finish the task?
The fact that you don’t even think you can finish it?
And as as a woman you will have some harsh critics lined up to put you down.
Including you.
You need to understand that you’re worthy enough to actually reach the goal you’ve set out for yourself. Regardless of what other people think of that and regardless of what they make you believe about yourself. A healthy dose of self-love is key here (yes, again). You can read more about loving yourself in this blog.
People pleasing is also a sure way to drain your energy and to keep you from staying motivated for the things you want. Because you’re always so busy trying to get things done for other people. And that means you don’t actually have any juice left to work on yourself.
So, work on supporting yourself.
And only share your dreams and ideas with the people you know will hype you up. And even if you don’t feel like you’re there yet, you can use the other tools listed to start working on the things that you don’t feel you can do. Eventually, you might find some confidence along the way.
Because look at you; you’re doing the thing!
Opportunities influence motivation
The last of the factors that play a part in the intention-behavior gap, is opportunity. And this is the one factor where we can actually feel like we have some sort of influence on the situation.
Because even though you don’t create all opportunities yourself, you can try and bend some things to your will.
Your biggest enemies are distractions.
Whether that’s social media or accomplishing some other task that you’ve been putting off. I start organizing, taking out the trash or literally anything but the thing I should be doing. Even though that means I get a lot of things done that still needed to be done, I don’t work on the things I want to be doing. Even when I specifically took time out of my day to do said thing.
So, how about you first do all the things that might distract you? Make a list of to-do’s and check them off.
This should be easy for you procrastinators out there. A whole ass list to get through before you actually have to do the thing you need to do? How comfortable. Reply to the messages, organize your desk. Remove any and all distractions that you could use to keep you from your work.
Then try and use certain apps that restrict your internet and phone use.
Maybe work in ‘work’-mode on your devices so you won’t get notifications. Try and work in an office outside of your house. Like the library. That way, you can’t even do the dishes if you wanted to. Delete things, close tabs. Don’t post anything important or controversial right before you start working.
There are plenty of things out there that can and will distract you. Try and stay ahead of them.
Women are conditioned to struggle with motivation for certain tasks
As women, finding the motivation to do anything for ourselves and not in service to others, might be harder than we think.
We have been conditioned into that role of caregiver very carefully. And the world will shun us for doing anything for ourselves if it means we seem to be ‘neglecting’ our duties of caring for our partner, parents, friends and children. There’s always that voice of judgment that propels us into action. Clean the house cause there’s dust everywhere. Do the laundry cause you look like trash. Run some errands cause your household needs new stuff.
But what about the tasks that we actually want to do. Just for us.
How do you end the struggle with motivation when the task at hand isn’t fueled by your fear of judgment for others? Or for tasks that actually might unleash more judgment?
Because sometimes the things we want to be doing, are the things that we shouldn’t be doing according to the strict standards set by society.
In this blog I write about the fear of succeeding. And I think that especially for us women, that fear is a very real one. Because we know that succeeding in anything related to the things we want to do for us, comes with a ton of criticism and silent condemnation.
So, it’s easier to just let the whole thing go altogether. As women we’re not just fighting a lack of motivation.
We’re fighting against our very own conditioning that tells us to not even try.
End your struggle with motivation
Motivation will always be a tricky subject to ‘hack’. It’s impossible to “just motivate yourself”. And working towards a goal and behaving the way you need to in order to reach it, will always be difficult.
I won’t promise you instant results and I won’t say that this is the solution to all your problems. I just hope that I was able to provide you with some helpful insights. And maybe some helpful tools to start you off on this journey.
And if you’re feeling discouraged, just remember: I’m probably also not doing what I need to be doing right now.
Chances are that I myself have just been watching Cynthia Erivo and Ariana Grande singing Defying Gravity at the Oscars for the hundredth time.
Hundredth and one.
Hundredth and two.
